The Danger of Being too “Nice”
Here’s an interesting video to start this entry. Some of you can relate to the characters in this clip from the Twilight Zone.
In this clip, everyone had to give up what they wanted to cater to the demands of the little boy. Why didn’t someone stand up and say something? Why didn’t people decide to leave the town and get as far away as possible from this boy? It’s hard to admit, but “nice” people stay in toxic situations all the time.
Continuously deciding to put others first and catering to their demands instead of focusing on who God is creating us to be, results in wanting validation from people instead of God. It leads to people pleasing and problem fixing instead of submitting to God. It also leads to toxic connections in friendships, workships, marriageships, situationships, familyships (you see what I did there?) There are clear signs that these “ships” are sinking. The nice person will stick to it to “make it work” and honestly think that they can save a hopeless cause. Studies show toxic connections and how they are handled can cause nervous system deregulation which can lead to autoimmune diseases and even cancer. Is it possible that while you are so invested in taking care of those around you, you are slowly sinking and compromising your health?
How does the Bible describe toxicity?
It’s pretty specific in Proverbs 6:16-19. Proverbs says that God hates the following:
Haughty eyes (haughty: someone who is arrogant, prideful, or conceited, and who looks down on others)
a lying tongue
hands that shed innocent blood (using others to prove an agenda or telling lies about another person or situation)
a heart that devises wicked schemes
feet that are quick to rush into evil
a false witness who pours out lies
and a person who stirs up conflict in the community (isolation from family and friends who care for the person who is being abused)
Another list in the Bible is found in 2 Timothy Chapter 3. It describes a very detailed description and leaves little room for misinterpretation. God ask us to have nothing to do with the following types of people:
Lovers of money (Oooh that reminds of of the song For the love of money)
Lovers of self (only my opinion or point of view matters)
Conceited
Rash
No self-control (rage, anger)
Disobedient to parents
Unforgiving
Abusive (physical, emotional, spiritual, etc.)
Having a form of godliness, but denying it’s power. They will talk a good game and sometimes look very spiritual. They’ve listened to speeches and have read the books. They may even give great sermons and give good advice, but at their core they haven’t allowed God to truly change the heart and mind. Even worse, they will use all the information they’ve learned and say that you are the toxic one.
What’s wrong with being “nice”?
Here’s the problem with nice people. Toxic actions are observed in people and situations over a matter of time. Instead of doing what God asked (walk away, give it to God) we try to save and problem solve. We think that we can somehow be nice enough to change the person. The reality is that there are wounds in nice people that are not healed. Toxic people will use this pain to take and take until there is nothing else left to give and you are left picking up the pieces. The constant pull to tread lightly, always concerned if you will say something the wrong way, dealing with rages and outbursts, gaslighting, and isolation from loved ones causes the nervous system to constantly shift.
What does God say to do?
The God who created us from the very beginning knew that people with these characteristics can cause a wreck on your health. When you are connected to these individuals, it can be stressful because the things they do and say can be very inflammatory. This eventually wears down the immune system and can lead to a host of diseases.
For a long time we’ve been told that God wants us to be patient and kind. There’s no doubt that we are called to be longsuffering and tender hearted. But there is the reality that there are some people in this world that will divide, distract, and cause major damage. They do this unapologetically and leave a trail of destruction behind them. The same scripture tells us to also be wise as a serpent, and innocent as a dove. Scripture also warns about associating with those who are easily angered, lest we become like them.
God says to have absolutely nothing to do with anyone who show these characteristics. Move forward in a spirit of love, patience, faith and endurance. Just as God is working with each of us, let God do the work with them. It’s not your job to fix and make it better. It’s time to focus on what needs to be fixed in you and not others.
This was a harsh reality for me. I’d spent so much time focusing on others, I neglected to work on me and allow God to work through my pain and show me areas in my life that need to change. As I began to work on my stuff and turn over stones that hid deep hurts and pains, God sent restoration and clarity. Friends and family opened up to me about journeys with emotional abuse. We were able to support and pray for one another. I found it interesting that each and everyone that shared their story of emotional abuse also had a physical ailment. Each person found healing as they began to connect with God and advocate for themselves. They saw a complete turn around in their health and mental state of mind.
So now it’s your turn. Are you ready to move forward? There’s a lot of information below. Navigate with the Holy Spirit by your side. My new goal is not to be nice, but to be kind. Kind knows when to gently say no. It knows when to speak and when to be silent. Kind seeks to please God and not people. Kind knows how to discern who is going to uplift and who has the tendency to destroy. Kind accepts that everyone is growing and learning, but knows when to say no to destructive behavior. Kind knows that being too “nice” is literally bad for your health. Your life is worth fighting for. Its time to be kind to you. God has amazing plans for you. Take it day at a time. Dive into God’s word. God is preparing the way for you to exit Egypt. Travel the road to emotional, spiritual and mental freedom safely and hold on to God’s hand the entire time.
